Reasons Why I Have Not Responded to Your Friendster Message: A True Account (Part 1)
Reasons Why I Have Not Responded to Your Friendster Message:

1. You spell "Queens" with a Z instead of an S, and are wearing a backward baseball cap in your photo.

2. You list "partying" as an interest.

3. You list "sex" as an interest.

4. Under "Occupation", you list "sex-blogger". And you have no photo in your profile.

5. You list "wicca" as an interest. not to mention "goth" music. you want to meet "women with casual pictures. realistic, themselves, artsy, educated- not half naked or 3/4 on their profiles", yet have two photos of you shirtless and flexing.

6. Your profile informs me that you are married.

7. Two of your user pics are almost cute, but one looks like you're jerking off out of frame.

8. You are a man interested in both men and women. I can't compete with dick.

9. You're 29, in a relationship, an engineer, and live in Maryland. What the hell good ARE you to me? Oh, god, and you have listed "The Ring" as one of your favorite movies. No.

10. You're goth AND live in Jersey City AND you're in a relationship. Wow, that's heavy competition with number 9.

11. You're stalking my friend AND you sent the same message to me 4 times, PSYCHO.

12. You're wearing a round of ammo in your user picture.

13. You spell "thanks" like "TNX!!!"

14. You list "Futurama" as a favorite show. You're a liar. Nobody's favorite show is "Futurama".

15. You look (no offense) like a pug, and spell "please" like: "pls".

16. Your user name is JaY-Z.

17. You have a professional wrestler as a user pic, and it's not in a tongue-in-cheek way.

18. Your user name is "Casanova" and you look like eurotrash.

19. You live in Sweden.

20. You live in the Philippines.

21. You live in Pakistan.

22. "I'm a fuckin' RockStar!!" is a phrase that appears in your profile, and your message subject line read: "helli".

23. You look (no offense) like a serial rapist.

24. Under "Favorite Books", you write "Do magazines count"? Answer: No.

25. Under "Interests", you write: "lots of them, just ask me". I suspect you are a deeply boring individual.

26. You're an actor. And your headshot is your user pic.

27. Um. You're 35, you live in Connecticut, and without prior conversation, you sent me a poem that only the most maudlin 8th grade girl would write.

28. Under "Favorite Books", you write: "Reading?! TV's faster!"

29. "Dianetics" is a favorite book, and I am willing to wager you're not joking.

30. You live in New Jersey, misspelled "organization", and you look (no offense) like you were in the Trench Coat Mafia in high school.

31. Your user pic is you with your sports car. No.

32. Holy God. You're the guy from #27. I just realized you sent me more than one horrific poem. This one ends with the line: "How our love will taste".

33. You live in Connecticut, you misspelled "tao", you like KID ROCK. Jesus, forget the other two. YOU LIKE KID ROCK.

34. You've got a foot fetish.

35. You live in Japan.

36. You claim you're "amazing". Fuck you- if you were amazing, you wouldn't have to tell people that.

37. Your user profile is less a profile, and more some kind of psychotic rap manifesto.

38. A "favorite movie" is "The Devil's Own". Why?

39. Your interests are: "women, NYC nightlife, money". No. No. No.

40. Your user name is "Seduction".

41. You're a tattoo artist who likes S&M. We're a little different. And could you flog me from Rhode Island? I don't think so.

42. Your Favorite Books: "the ones with pictures like Playboy". Oh, also a fan of "The Fast and the Furious", are we? I never would have guessed.

43: Interests: "chicks wit alot of booty...i don't mean fat girls either".

44. Don't call me "cutestuff" if we've never talked before. And by the way, it's not endearing, it makes you sound like one of my mom's post-menopausal friends.

45. You offer up that you "haven't read a novel since the 9th grade". Which is perhaps why you list "Gummo" as a favorite movie.

46. Favorite Music: : "Latin (Thalia, Shakira, Ricky Martin), Italian (Laura Pausini), French (Lara Fabien, Celine Dion), Portuguese (Dulce Pontes), Israeli Popular, Top 40 (Evanescence, No Doubt, Christina Aguilera, Michele Branch, Fefe Dobson, Vanessa Carlton)".
No offense, but are you SURE you're not gay? Gay with really really bad taste?

47. Leather jumpsuits don't even look hot on most women.

48. For the last time, if you live in the Philippines, how are we supposed to make this work!?

49. Favorite Movies: "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". No offense, but maybe you should try to get with #46 instead of me.

50. Substituting the word "cum" for "come" is not cute.